Grief, Despair and a Little Bit of Hope
by Cazx
Summary: Nan's reaction to the news that Jerry has been injured. Please Read and Review!
1. Chapter 1

"Isn't it a glorious day, Diana sweetest and best of sisters?" Nan Blythe declared happily slipping her arm around her twins' waist as they walked along a leafy street in Kingsport. "Just think of the flowers in Rainbow Valley."

"It is indeed wonderful." Diana, or Di as she was more commonly known as, acknowledged sniffing the spring air eagerly before suddenly turning sombre, as she thought of the brother who would never see the beauty of Rainbow Valley again.

Nan squeezed her sister's waist; somehow she knew that Di was thinking of Walter. It was not often that the twins did not know what was on the others mind.

"I wonder if Faith will be back." Nan said after a few moments, "I hope her exam went well. I can't believe she'll be graduating in a couple of weeks." She spoke of their housemate Faith Meredith; a girl linked to the life's of the Blythe twins in more ways than one.

"Well," Sensible Di told her more carefree sister, "We shall be graduating next year, this is our third year you know Nan."

"I know" Nan said slowly. "It's strange I thought Redmond would be completely different. I envisioned life here to be full of fun, but these past three years have brought nothing but grief and worry. I know it's because of the war and being so anxious about the boys but I do so wish that we had none of our worries. I wish that we could have all been here together."

"You mean you wish you could have had Jerry on your arm at every dance and social," Di joked, "I know you Anne Blythe and nothing would have given you greater satisfaction than to have the most handsome man in Redmond at your beck and call!"

"Diana!" Nan exclaimed turning to her sister with wide incredulous eyes, "How can you say such things? There is so much more to Jerry than his looks, he is just the most wonderful, fascinating man that ever lived, and he's also the only person who is prepared to argue with me. Everyone else is much to scared to."

Di laughed, whereas she had inherited her mothers red locks, Nan had inherited the temper that went with them. "You know I was only teasing dearest."

"I'm right though aren't I." Nan persisted. "It would have been so much nicer if we were all here together. I'm envious that Faith had that one year with them."

"Of course you are right." Di told her quietly. "We all wish that there was no war, or that our boys did not have to get caught up in it. But we can change nothing so there is no point in wishing on what if or grumbling."

"Oh I know." Nan sighed. "I just want this awful war to end. It's already taken Walter, who will it take next."

"Don't say such things Nan." Di told her firmly turning paler.

"I'm sorry Di, I didn't think." Nan said quickly. Where she had always been closer to Jem her twin had been Walter's confidant.

"It's fine Nan, we can't forget him. It would be an insult if we did."

"It would." Nan acknowledged as she pushed open the gate of the house she and Di shared with Faith and another girl Elizabeth Morris.

"We're back Faith!" Di called as they opened the front door. "How did the exam go?"

There was no answer. "She can't be home yet." Nan said as she took her jacket off.

"Come on lets go and make some tea, I'm longing for a cup!" Di told her sister with a grin, it was a well-known fact that Di was addicted to tea.

"Oh you and your tea!" Nan told her shaking her head but she was smiling all the same.

The tea was duly made and Di carried it on a tray into the sitting room listening to the chatter off her sister, who was letting her imagination run away with her as usual.

"Wouldn't it be nice Di if one could fly or even better travel really quickly, just think of all the places we could go, as we can't go wherever we please in a second we'll never get to see the whole world but I so wish we could!" Nan's ramblings suddenly stopped as they entered the sitting room. "Why Faith?" She said in surprise. "What on earth has happened?"

Di looked up from the tray and saw that Faith was staring into space, her face pale, a telegram in her hand.

"Not again." Di said placing the tray down before it fell from her shaking hands. "Please God don't do this to us again."

"Who is it Faith?" Nan asked her voice sounding as if it came from somewhere far away.

"It's Jerry." Faith said looking up at the friends who were as good as sisters to her.

"No, no, no." Nan moaned crumpling into a heap on the floor, Di rushed over and placed an arm around her twin.

"He's not dead." Faith continued. "It says," She looked down at the piece of paper in her hands, "It says he's seriously injured but what does that mean? Does it mean he's hovering between life and death, or that he has been horribly disfigured?" Faith looking so pale and unnatural as she did was hardly a figure who would inspire hope at this point, and Nan buried her head into her sister's shoulder for several minutes.


	2. Chapter 2

Nan had escaped to her room. She had planned to go and hide in her bed and cry. But the tears would not come. She wished they would because the ache in her chest was just unbearable. It was as if someone had thrust a knife into her heart, she thought thinking of the only other time she had felt this pain. That was the day Jerry had enlisted. The day when she realised that maybe she would not live the happy ever after life with Jerry at her side. The life she had been secretlyplanning since the tender age of sixteen.

She lay in bed until it was dark. Both Di and Faith had tried to come and speak to her but she had sent them away. She did not want them to think her inhuman by her inability to cry. But as the darkness closed in around her, Nan found that she could not bear being alone for any longer. Her imagination was focusing on Jerry, in pain and agony, slowly dying in a foreign land. Shivering despite the fact that it was not cold she quietly made her way to her sisters room.

"Can I sleep with you tonight Di?" She asked as she shut the door behind her.

Di, who had been expecting her sister to make this request, said, "Of course."

"I just don't want to be alone."

Di took hold of her twin's hands, which were as cold as ice and told her, "Well you are not going to be alone. You have me."

"I know. I would be lost without you now."

"Have you cried Nan?" Di asked after a pause, though she could sense what her twins answer would be.

"No." Nan said quietly in discomfort. "It hurts to much to cry, and then I think that if I did cry then I would never stop."

"That's what I felt when Walter died." Di acknowledged. "I only cried when I allowed myself to remember him."

Nan did not reply. She merely snuggled up to her sister and lost herself in her own thoughts.

Di, however, felt that she must make her twin cry. The unnatural controlled anxiety of Nan was scaring her, and she felt that unless Nan recognised her pain then worse hurt could come.

"Do you remember that evening when you came back from Rainbow Valley?"

"Which evening was that?" Nan asked though she knew perfectly well what Di was talking about.

"The evening when you woke me up, despite me being in bed with a cold."

"Of course I remember that evening." Nan sighed after a considerable silence. "I'll remember it all of my life."

"I didn't appreciate being woken." Di told her honestly. "But when I saw your shining eyes, my anger vanished, I knew something wonderful had happened."

"We'd been arguing," Nan said referring to Jerry and herself. Di had succeeded in making her relive the past. "It was so stupid, I wanted him to dance with me at the Harbour Light, even though I knew he wouldn't. I didn't see why he couldn't dance just because his Father was the minister, and I told him so. He did actually agree about that and promised to dance with me as much as I wanted to at Redmond. But he said that if he danced at the Harbour Light then it would look as if he was insulting his Father, and he did not want the Glen gossips to think that. He was right of course but I was being selfish and could not see his point of view." It took a lot for Nan to admit she was in the wrong, as well as being selfish. "I told him that he was just using his Father as an excuse for not wantingto dance with me, and that if he did really like me as much as he said he did then he would dance me. I regretted what I said as soon as the words left my mouth.His eyes were a mixture of sorrow and anger Di, I can't describe it, I thought he was going to tell me to go away and that he never wanted to hear my selfish tones again. But he told me that if I was foolish enough to think that then I clearly had failed to realise that he was in love with me, and that he would do anything for me if I pestered him enough. It was the first time he had told me that he loved me, and allour anger simply vanished away as if by magic."

"What happened next?" Di asked, although she had heard the story many times before.

"He kissed me. He'd kissed me before but never like that, it sounds strange I know. Maybe it was special because we realised just exactly what we meant to the other. I began to cry I knew I'd been in the wrong and that I'd been behaving like a spoilt child. I told him that I loved him to and that I hoped he would forget the horrible things I said. I hope he has. I don't want him to be thinking of those words of anger now." Nan's voice died away, tears were filling her eyes as she thought of that evening in Rainbow Valley. Of how time had not mattered, of the words and kisses which had been exchanged that night, of how happy she had felt when telling Di about it at the time.

"Jerry won't be thinking of it." Di told her firmly. "He'll be thinking of how much you love him and how much he loves you. He'll be fighting for his life because he knows that he must stay alive for you Nan."

"Oh Di," Nan sniffed, the first few tears beginning to trickle down her nose. "You are a better sister than I deserve I feel."

"That's nonsense. You were here for me when Walter died, if it hadn't been for you then I don't know what I would have done. I'm merely returning the favour."


	3. Chapter 3

Nan found that she had difficulty recollecting the next few days. She chose to remain alone for much of the time, though each night she would go and sleep in her sisters bed. Every minute of her waking day she thought of Jerry, hoping and praying that he was getting better. There had been no more word on his condition since the telegram, and there was no idea on when news would next come.

Nan tended to avoid spending time with Faith, who was almost as badly effected on the news of Jerry's wounds as Nan was. Nan did not know why she was avoiding Faith, who was one of the people in the world who she was closest to. Maybe she was scared of having a conversation with Faith, as it would undoubtedly be one of great emotional strain. However one afternoon Faith sought out Nan and forced her friend to talk to her.

"I've something to tell you." Faith said as she came into Nan's room.

Nan looking up in surprise asked hopefully, "Is it news on how Jerry is?"

"No I'm afraid not." Faith told her shortly her face grave.

Nan did not answer; she felt she had nothing to say so she waited for Faith's news.

"I've decided to become a V.A.D, and will be going to England shortly."

"Oh." Nan said taking in this new information in surprise.

"I have to do something you see Nan." Faith explained. "I've finished Redmond now, there's nothing for me to do in Canada other than teach and as much as I love teaching I feel that I need to do something for the war. I need to help in some way."

"You're being very brave." Nan said slowly. "Much braver than I am."

"You never could stand the sight of blood though Nan." Faith told her with the faintest ghost of a smile on her face. "A fine doctors daughter you are."

"Di is the one of us two who can stomach blood and all that sort of thing. I'm surprised she hasn't attempted to become a V.A.D to."

"I have." Di said from the doorway causing Nan and Faith to jump. "But Dad wouldn't give his consent he said that I needed to remain in Canada for the sake of Mother." She did not add that Gilbert had also said that she needed to stick by her twin and support her.

"I'm sorry Di." Nan told her sincerely.

"It's fine." Di replied with a shrug. "I've got Red Cross work to do here."

"When do you sail Faith?" Nan asked.

"Next week."

"So soon!" Nan said incredulously, "Will you be able to go home and say goodbye to everyone?"

"No, but they'll understand." Faith said confidently though her eyes were bright at the thought of going thousands of miles away without saying goodbye to her Father.

"Well when you do get out there Faith, you find that brother of yours and tell him not to go and get himself injured again." Nan for the first time spoke with the certainty that Jerry was alive.

Faith smiled, "I will Nan, you bet I will!"


	4. Chapter 4

Faith sailed for England less than a week later. It had been nearly two weeks since they had received the telegram about Jerry, and there had been no further news. Nan, who had been hopeful for a few days after Faith's announcement, was once more engulfed in grief and despair. She was convinced that Jerry had contracted a fever through an infection in his wound and that he was slowly dying. Nothing that Di said could convince Nan otherwise.

Nan had found that at least when she had had lectures to attend then her mind was partly taken off Jerry, though it can also be said that her lecture notes during this time failed to make much sense to anybody. But lectures for her had ended two days ago, and now she had nothing to do but let her imagination get the better of her. Nan had always loved her imagination, how it had allowed her to easily slip into fantasyland with no effort whatsoever. Now, however, she hated it. She hated what it was suggesting may be happening to Jerry. How every time she closed her eyes her imagination presented Jerry to her as a corpse.

Di, who still had lectures, was walking home from Redmond worrying over her twin. Nan had not eaten properly ever since they had received the telegram. She had tried, Di acknowledged that, but Nan after a bite or two had declared herself to be feeling sick and that she could not possibly eat anymore. Di still had two more days of lectures before she and Nan could go home to Glen St Mary, and she was sorely tempted to miss those days. Di recognised that Nan needed their Mother, more than she had ever needed her before.

As Di walked into the hall of their student house she noticed a note perched on the hall table addressed to her and in her sister's hand. Worried, she hastily read what Nan had written.

_Darling Di, _

_I'm sorry if this seems sudden and I hope you won't think I'm abandoning you but I just had to go home. I needed to get away and attempt to stop thinking the worst. Mother always understands and if news does come of Jerry then at least I'll be on hand to receive it quickly. I hope you understand, and aren't cross with me for leaving you to go home alone. I hope you don't think I'm ungrateful for all you've done for me either, because I'm not. You are the best possible sister, twin and friend anyone could ask for._

_Lots of Love,_

_Nan_

Di was not cross. She understood Nan completely, and was relieved that her twin was going home where she would be spoilt and looked after by their Mother and Susan.

Nan, at this point of time, it was five o' clock, had just set foot on Prince Edward Island soil. She was tired and weak but determined to find a train and get home. However to Nan's disappointment the next train to the Glen did not depart for another two hours. Feeling that she may begin to cry at any second Nan hurriedly bit her lip, brought a newspaper, turning its pages quickly past the war news, and hid her pretty head behind it. This is how she occupied herself for two hours, though she never turned the pages once. At last the train pulled in, and Nan felt as if she was on the final lap of her journey home.

Eventually the train pulled into the Glen station. The only soul there to meet her was Dog Monday, who joyfully ran up to her, wagging his tail before he realised that there was no Jem with her. Nan bent down on her knees beside Dog Monday, tickled his ears and whispered, "I wish he was here too, you faithful old thing," before she picked up her bag, gave Dog Monday one final pat and began the walk to Ingleside.

There was no one else on the roads that night and Nan was pleased. She did not want to exchange small talk, listen to people's well meaning comments, or answer inquisitive questions. She was in a bitter and tired mood; she just wanted to be home. The walk was one of bittersweet memories for Nan. It was one she had walked with Jerry many a time and each twist and turn of the road brought a fresh memory of him to her. Instead of cutting through Rainbow Valley as she would usually have done Nan followed the road. She did not feel that she could handle the emotional strain of a walk through Rainbow Valley, with all its memories, any time soon given the state she was in.

Ingleside was bright and gleaming. Nan was glad; the dancing lights in the windows were welcoming her home. She went to the backdoor, it was always open, and besides Nan disliked the idea of ringing on the doorbell of your own home. Susan was in the kitchen setting the bread for the morning, she did not hear Nan come in and jumped when that young lady said in a lethargic and unknown voice, "Susan, please tell me that Mother is in. I can't bear for you to tell me she isn't!"

Susan clutching her heart in fright spun round and exclaimed, "Nan Blythe don't give me such a fright again!" Catching her breath she asked, "What are you doing here anyway, we did not expect you until the weekend. And where's your sister?"

"I'm sorry Susan." Nan told her. "I didn't mean to frighten you."

Susan's gaze softened, as she looked at Nan's weary, lined face. She had never seen her look so old before. "It doesn't matter," She told her. "I should be used to it by now what with that cat. Your Mother is in the lounge writing to your Aunt Diana, do you want me to get her for you?"

"No thank-you," Nan said kissing Susan on the cheek, "I'll go."

Nan made sure to knock on the lounge door, she had no wish to scare her Mother like she had Susan.

"Come in." A sweet, dear voice called, and Nan opened the door and entered the room. "Nan, darling, where have you come from!" Anne exclaimed as she made her way towards her daughter and enveloped her in a hug.

"Oh Mother," Nan said, beginning to sob, as hugged her Mother tightly. "I just had to come home, I couldn't take it any longer."


	5. Chapter 5

Anne Blythe let her namesake cry for ten minutes before she attempted to halt the tears. She was thinking of how wrong it was that her girls had to go through all this uncertainty and suffering.

"Nan darling," She said eventually as she stroked her daughters nut-brown hair. "I know it's difficult but please stop crying."

Nan gulped and gallantly managed to control herself in a much shorter amount of time than her Mother had expected her to.

"Good girl." Anne told her as she kissed her on the forehead. "Now why don't you go and get ready for bed, you must be worn out after that long journey, and I'll go and hunt out some food for you. I'll bring it up to you and we can have a talk. Would you like that?"

"Yes." Nan said quietly as she moved to go upstairs to her room.

Anne watched her leave the room and sighed. She had known Nan would have taken the news of Jerry's injury badly, but it was still a shock to see this sombre and fragile side of her normally laughing and brave eldest daughter.

"How is Nan, Mrs Dr. dear?" Susan asked anxiously as Anne entered the kitchen.

"Scared, worried, vulnerable." Anne answered as her husband walked in through the back door.

"Who's scared, worried and vulnerable?" He asked quickly noticing the anxiety on his wife's face.

"It's Nan, Gilbert." Anne said turning to him. "She came home all by her-self today, and oh to look at her you would never think that she used to be full of laughter and joy."

"Have you talked to her Anne?" Gilbert asked.

"Not yet Gilbert, I was going to get her something to eat and then go and talk to her."

"What do you want for me to fix up for her, Mrs Dr. dear?" Susan asked briskly. "There's some cold meat in the larder, or some of tonight's pie, which is still reasonably warm."

"I think the pie will do Susan." Anne told her.

"How did Nan look physically, Anne?" Gilbert asked.

"She was so pale Gilbert." Anne replied. "I have the feeling she hasn't been sleeping very well, and I have my suspicions that she hasn't been eating properly."

"I'll go and have a look at her once you've spoken to her, it might be for the best if I give her a tonic to help her sleep." Gilbert found himself in a situation where he did not know how to act. He could not bear to think of his daughter in pain but he did not know how to fix it for her. Whereas Anne was close to their children in the sense that she could get underneath their skins and discover their innermost thoughts, Gilbert was close to them through being able to make them laugh and always being guaranteed to offer good practical advice.

Susan quickly got a tray of food ready for the eldest daughter of Ingleside and Anne, after thanking her, took it up to Nan's room.

Knocking gently she asked, "Is it all right if I come in."

"Yes." Answered a small, tired voice.

Anne opened the door and found that Nan was sitting up in bed, no longer crying, but certainly not looking like her normal self.

"Susan's fixed you some food." Anne told her as she placed the tray on Nan's bedside table.

"Dear Susan," Nan replied fondly, "I gave her quite a fright when I first came in. I hope she's not too cross with me."

"Of course she's not cross with you!" Anne exclaimed, "She'll only be cross if you fail to eat the food she's prepared for you."

Nan smiled, it was a sad smile, but it was definitely a start Anne told herself as she watched her daughter eat.

"Mother I can't eat anymore." Nan said sombrely pushing the tray away. "I want to but I just can't. It's making me feel sick."

Anne seeing that her daughter had eaten over half, which was more than she had expected her to eat, said, "It doesn't matter darling, you've eaten something at least." She paused before asking, "Do you want to talk?"

"Yes please." Nan stated as she turned her big brown sorrow filled eyes on her Mother.

Anne placed her arms around her daughter and waited for her to speak. "I'm so scared Mother," Nan began, "So scared that Jerry will die. What will happen to me if he does? I can't live in a world without him I just know that I can't. I love him too much and if he leaves me then I know that my heart will break into a million pieces and will never fix itself back together."

"I know how you are feeling dearest." Anne told her daughter. "Before your Father and I were engaged he got sick. It was feared that he would not survive. I did not realise until the moment I heard the news that I loved him and that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. He thought that I loved another… He did not have the knowledge of my love for him to fight for his survival, Jerry knows that you love him though Nan and he will fight for life and you. I'm sure of it."

"Did you feel as if the end of the world had come when you found out that Father was sick Mother?" Nan asked as she clasped her Mother's hand.

"Yes darling I did."

"Oh I'm so glad we understand each other!" Nan exclaimed as her eyes flashed with tears.

"Now darling no more crying, you have to keep hope that Jerry is alive and that you will see him again, and one day you'll be happily married and live in a house full of laughter and joy just like your Father and I did."

"That will happen Mother, won't it, it really will?"

"It will my darling baby Nan, it will." Anne did not know why she was so sure of her conviction that Jerry would survive. All she knew was that Gilbert had survived when she had experienced such anxiety and pain, surely Jerry would to.

"I love you Mother." Nan told her as she kissed her on the cheek.

"I love you to." Anne told her as she returned the kiss. "Now do you want to see your Father before you go to sleep."

"Oh yes please."

Anne went in search of Gilbert and presently brought him to Nan.

"Hello Dad." Nan said on seeing him. She was not her usual cheerful self, but neither was she engulfed in anxiety and despair as she had been earlier, she had found hope in her heart.

"Hello my elfin princess." Gilbert replied as he kissed her forehead. "Do you want me to get you anything to help you sleep or not?"

"I think I may try and sleep on my on accord tonight, Mother has calmed my worries."

Gilbert smiled, "Your Mother is perfect at that sort of thing."

"She's convinced me that there's hope left for Jerry yet Dad."

"There certainly is my darling," He paused before saying, "Now you have very prominent bags under your eyes young lady I want to see them vanish!"

Nan smiled, "Night Dad, you could always make me smile when I was in the depths of despair."

Gilbert closed the door after him and went in search of his wife.

"How does she seem to you Gilbert?" Anne asked him fearfully.

"Better than I expected." Gilbert answered truthfully. "It seems that the talk you had with her really helped."

Anne sighed in relief, as she offered a small prayer to God that this war would end soon and free her children of the uncertainty, grief and pain which it had brought with it.


	6. Chapter 6

It was a week after Nan had come home. Di had returned for a brief visit, arriving two days after Nan, but reluctantly deciding that she would only remain at Ingleside for a week as she felt she had a duty to her Red Cross work in Kingsport. Gilbert had declared that Nan should not return to Kingsport with her twin, he felt she needed to be sheltered from the war as much as it was possible.

Di was relieved to see that Nan was more like her usual self than she had been when she had left Kingsport. Though Di could still see that Nan was still at times filled with worry over Jerry, she had also began to have hope that he would return to her, and Di dreaded what would happen to her twin if that hope was snatched away.

One day, shortly before Di was due to return to Kingsport, Nan when collecting the post discovered that there was a letter addressed to her in a familiar hand. Looking at it in almost disbelief she stood rooted to the ground for half a minute before rushing out of the house and into Rainbow Valley.

Sitting next to the spring, which was a special place for Nan and Jerry as it had been there that they had first admitted their feelings for one another, Nan half eagerly, half fearfully tore open the letter.

_Dearest,_

_I'm afraid this is only a short letter as I have not enough time to write a longer one as I need to write to Dad and Rosemary too. But I needed to let you know that I'm beginning to make a full recovery. I was out of it for a couple of days, they say that I had a fever caused from an infection in the wound but I've got over that now. I'm going to be sent to a hospital in England in a couple of days in order for me to get my strength back. _

_You needn't worry about me anymore, I'm going to be fine. I know how you worry darling, and ever since I came round I've been worrying about how you are coping with the news. Just remember that I am going to come back to you, I'm sure of it, and once I'm back we'll spend the rest of our lives together. I'm going to have to stop writing now I'm afraid but I'll send you a longer letter once I reach England._

_All my love,_

_Jerry_

Nan placed her head in her arms and began to cry. Though the tears being shed were those of joy, joy that her sweetheart, her Jerry, was alive and getting better. The tears of fear, grief and despair had disappeared, never to return.


End file.
